The Vortex and the Enigma

These are some thoughts posted recently by a friend of mine. Very valid struggles for many of us, myself included. Rather than rewrite my thoughts on it I just posted the comment I left her. It's a good summary of some things I've been working through. I should also note that this is not her entire post, just the part that VERY closely summarizes my own struggles.

Funny....I very often feel that things that seem so complex have such basic answers. I wonder if that is just a biproduct of answers seeming less elusive once they are attained.

Here's part of her post:

The last couple of weeks have been full of me quitting things I’d committed to; I’m not sure how to feel about it, because I think that life will be less hectic now and I will have more time to study, clean, and cook which are the things I was looking forward to when I originally quit my job to go back to school. The problem I’m finding is that I’m very lazy. I am not using my time wisely, and I can’t decide on one thing to do during the day that is productive without worrying about all the other things that need to be done, too. Instead of picking one thing and getting it out of the way, I chose to sit around and do nothing most of the day.

I think this recent turn of events parallels my life as a whole pretty clearly. I cannot decide what I want to do for a career to save my life; I don’t think words could explain how envious I am of people who are passionate about one thing and one thing only and go after it. I’m constantly deciding on a different career path; I get really excited about it for about six months and then I start to doubt my decision. My worry is that in following one thing I am passionate about, I will miss out on something really good by not following a different thing.

I love working with kids, and I am really good at it. I could be a teacher and be completely happy, and I could work in recreational programs, too, and be completely happy. I’ve also considered doing social work or counseling but I’m worried I won’t be able to leave work at work. I would have a hard time letting go of my need to save everyone. I am also good at marketing and sales, I’m business-minded, and I’ve been told I’d make a really good manager but I am not really passionate about marketing and sales. I have considered opening my own business, but I hate the idea of being tied down somewhere in case an opportunity comes up somewhere else. I’m obviously passionate about music, but it’s not something I see myself doing as a career. I sometimes think life would be easier if my choices were limited; if my dad expected me to take over the family business or something. Then I would hate my life and wish I had more choices.

And the part of my comment that was relevant to it:

Mostly I want to comment on your thoughts in your post War of my Life. I imagine that by now you have heard enough from multiple people that relate, but I'll suit up and show up. I've just recently received some temporary relief from the whole don't know what to do, passions don't match options, want to keep options open, feel like I'm being lazy and choosing nothing instead of something vortex leading to a feeling that was an enigma. I have struggled with it for a LONG time now, and it is very tiresome to think about anymore.

The thing that finally helped me was that I simply got a job that provided structure. Since I've had that job, it's been easier to define and compartmentalize my options. Important to note that I'm not passionate about the job, but I do like the people there very much and they make it worthwhile to show up. So with most of my time now swallowed by "the man" it is easier to compartmentalize the other aspects of my life and be productive. It makes me think sometimes that problems are not always as insurmountable as they seem. Atleast for me. I feel like the root of my feelings and your feelings is likely very different though, and as such likely have a different solution. Also important to note that it would not take much for that vortex to grab me again.

All that to say, in reference to those feelings, I think a pretty large part of mine came from selfishness and laziness. It's not as horrible as it sounds, but I just got to the point that I had to get over the fact that I wanted certain things my way or no way. I'm choosing now to work with what is infront of me and progress towards my passions as much as possible. Eventually my life will look more like I want it to. We are still very young, even though we may not think we are. Also, I'm more mindful these days of our basic belief that our ultimate goals and desires are not to be satisfied in this life. That doesn't mean I can't pursue happiness here, but that it is not my main goal. So if I don't quite attain some of the things that I tell myself I want right now maybe that isn't so bad. I mean, my goals, desires, and contentedness should not be so centered around this life anyways. Not to say that anyone should give up on desires, God gave us those. Just to say that for me personally, it seems like a large amount of my discontent can be solved if I step outside of my selfish perversions of my God given desires and live life as well as I can in the moment, working as best I can towards eternity. And if God really wants me to be somewhere doing something, and I'm truly pursuing his heart for my life, I won't miss the opportunity he has for me. We have to believe that.

So I'm trying to take what is infront of me, enjoy God's provision, and realize that my heart is not going to be completely satisfied here anyways.

I hope this gives you something to think about, whether it helps or not. Geez this turned out to be more of a post than a comment. I think I'll put it on my blog. I may reference some of your writing there to.

Ezra

This in my nephew Ezra.

My brother stopped by tonight to move our porter over to a new container for the second stage of fermentation, and Kareah and Ezra were hanging out with us while we took the hour or so to sanitize everything and complete the transfer. I had such a good time. Caught up with Kareah about a few things........talked beer with Heath while we discussed how good this porter would be in another month.........but better than anything else was when Ezra grew restless and Kareah asked me to hold him for awhile while she took care of some things on the computer. This was unfortunate for Heath as it left him cleaning up most of the brewing equipment by himself but it turned out to be a great time for me, and hopefully Ezra.

I haven't gotten to develop much of a relationship with Ezra yet, mostly because he is so little and not really into the "Uncle Timmy" phase of his life where I get to watch him and wrestle him like I do with Corban and Chloe, but I think we had a good time tonight. I held him for probably twenty minutes or so and as he crawled all over me we sang and danced and tickled and just had a good old time. I felt like he finally recognized me and had that "this guy is OK" moment. So, this picture was a photo Kareah took while I was holding him, and it is my new desktop background.

Mmmm.........Sulawesi!

Growing fonder of coffee these days. Although, I must admit that for now I think I like the smell ten times better than the taste. Not to say that I don't like the taste. My cousin Darrell (the recent college graduate from the great University of North Texas! Congrats bro!) introduced me to a Starbucks coffee named Sulawesi. It's a bold that contains flavor profiles of fresh mushrooms and sweet molasses. I like it, but I can't say that I taste either mushrooms or molasses. I guess that my taste buds need some refining. The important thing is that it makes my morning experience better. In the pic is the bag of Sulawesi sitting by my favorite coffee/anything mug of all time that my brother got me from up northeast when he was on his honeymoon so many years ago. It is just the perfect style for me, handcrafted, with a fish on it, blue, green and brown in color, and holds a good amount of beverage.

In other related and unrelated happenings, I just got back from a glorious trip to Bayfield, Colorado that I took with my cousin Troy. We had a blast. I have many things to say about it, and probably some pictures too, but that will be for another day. Also, my brother and I just got done brewing our first batch of beer which is a hefe. It turned out better than we had expected, and inspired us to promptly brew another batch, so we did, but we went with a porter this time. It's currently fermenting. Check out our blog http://homebrewendeavors.blogspot.com/ to check up on it's progress. Heath is also writing some pretty interesting stuff on his http://expeditionbeer.blogspot.com/ blog that you should check out if you are interested in beer and the life of a father of three. Haha.

Brothers

I've got one brother by birth, and a few more in heart and spirit.

Spent some time today thinking about how much these guys mean to me, and the impact they have on my life. It makes you feel good when you realize that time and space are no obstacle to your relationship with someone. That you can always pick up where you left off, and that they are always deeply invested in your life.

My hopes are that time and space will cease to be an issue at all for my brothers and I, but whether that be the case or not I am humbled knowing that they are my lifelong companions.

A Word Once Said

Well, hockey season is over (what I mean by that is that the Stars did not make the playoffs, and no other team matters), and the hot weather is on it's way. Bummer.

Atleast Dave Matthews and Company are turning out some new tunes, and all indications point to more music of very high quality from our beloved musicians. But who expected anything else. The album seems to be a tribute to the bands late saxaphone player. I think his passing may have inspired the band to play more to the style that the band members appreciate, which will make for a much better experience than creating for pop culture, or whatever.

On to other thoughts. My sister-in-law Kareah is going to have another baby in another month or two, and so the family Easter party this year had dual purpose. It was an Easter party as well as a makeshift baby shower. More of an opportunity to give gifts than a shower. So, she begins to open the presents, of which one is something called a "bumbo seat" I think. It is a fun little seat of sorts for babies. As she opens this a member of the family calls to her husband saying "Hey! it's one of those seats like we had for our baby!", to which the husband replies (from across the room) "Yeah, that one we threw away because it kills babies." (Apparently some child had been left in one of these seats up on top of a counter, AND unattended and bumboed their way right off the counter and kissed the floor. It was stated shortly after that the baby may not have died, but just been injured, and it is important to note the improper use and negligence were involved). I immediately wondered why he would say this, seeing that it was a gift someone had given to Kareah. Depending on who's gift it was, their feelings may have been hurt. I don't know. I know that he was only trying to be funny, but things can be taken the wrong way.

Then this morning I received an e-mail that was titled something like "things you can't get back"
Some of these things were:
1. A stone once thrown
2. A word once said

Not rocket science, but good thoughts none the less. I began to think about times I said or did something that was hurtful. Sometimes you know the instant you do it, and sometimes it's more like hindsight, but it always hurts to think about.

It can take so much time to show a person how much they mean to you, and so little time to destroy that which you have built. I hate that it is like this, but in most relationships it is. Numerous relationships end, or are permanently damaged or stunted because of an errant stone or word. Sometimes, no amount of damage control will fix it. Like it says, you can't get that word/stone back, only ask for forgiveness, but it was still said/thrown.

Sometimes you get the chance to ask for forgiveness, and sometimes you don't.......

Wish I could ask for forgiveness from those that I have hurt.

P.S. I hear tell that there is someone who exists that loves enough to erase the hurtful words you have said to him, and completely forget the stones that you have thrown at him, allowing for a loving relationship no matter the pain you have caused him and others. All you've got to do is believe in him and ask for forgiveness. Amazing..... They call him Jesus.

Oo-De-Lally Oo-De-Lally Golly What A Day

Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome. Today I have accomplished a goal.

My dad and I shoot our bows as often as we can, which, for the last four months or so means once or twice a week we are out at my grandmothers house taking aim at a foam deer.

In the world of bowhunting there is a shot called a "Robin Hood". This occurs when one arrow is shot directly down the shaft center of another previously shot arrow. It is fairly difficult to do and often the arrows will glance off one another rather than split, but if you hit it just right you get a "Robin Hood". Sadly this destroys atleast one of the two arrows, but it is so worth it.

Today I finally produced this shot after several narrow misses. Now I must decide whether I am Texan enough to display my destroyed arrow in my home to signify the feat which I have accomplished......I think I am.

In the pictures the arrow that is placed higher on the deer was the second arrow. It travelled about 1/3 of the way down the shaft center of the lower arrow (splitting it) before exitting and embedding in the target. The shot was made at 20 yards.

Shortly after visual confirmation of said shot......there was jubilant celebration.

Spent some time this morning visiting some church websites. I went to my old church family's website and looked at some photos of the beginnings of the whole thing.

I found myself missing that time in my life. Felt like I had a much clearer purpose then, and lived more intentionally.